Tuesday, October 7, 2014
God provides
It's the funeral and my heart is heavy. People begin to stream in and the greetings begin. It won't be a large funeral. Just a few gathering to say good bye to my mother. I feel alone but know that my husband and children are with me and I am well. They came to be with me for a woman that was less than kind to them. She loved them but not in a way children can understand and I as an adult am only beginning to understand. I have had to overcome a lot to get to this day and today I am going to honor my mother not as my human eyes has seen her but as the person God has quietly reminded me I need to honor her as. You see my mother was locked up in a horrible disease that we just now can see began to take her from us some 40 years ago. So today would be the day for her grandchildren to see our mommy and what she was. My goal is to somehow ease the monster she was for the sake of her grandchildren. To let my Dad see that no matter what we have been through, there was once good. My heart is heavy and I am alone for those there to support me have no idea. God has placed a great burden on my heart to provide happiness in the storm. To honor in his name. My aunts appear and there are greeting and hugs. They are my dads sisters and have long been run off by mother and yet today they come for us and dad. To love us and confirm, that yes she was once different. Then comes her beloved coffee group and friends for so many years. They have seen us suffer and they have suffered yet they are there to confirm. We are safe she was loved and we will climb out on the other side better people for our suffering. They are proud we were with her and never gave up. Yet I am alone. Then comes a women, kind and loving, she looks familiar and yet I have never met her. She introduces herself and I kindly great her, she gives me a loving hug and moves on. The funeral takes place and it is good. Time will tell if an impact was made. It wasn't fake it was from the bottom of my heart and my dad gives we a hug when I am done. The first in a very long time. He knows I get it and that he is not alone. He is proud I have chosen to honor in the terrible storm. The service is done and people come to tell us good- bye and yet the kind woman is again by my side. This time she tells me she once lived where I do. We attended the same congregation though at different times and we have mutual friends, though we have never known one another. Her mother attends church with my father and she came to bring her elderly mother to the service. I am not alone. The next day at church. She comes to give me one last hug, one last face of comfort, and a whispering to acknowledge, she understands the family dynamics and I am good. God has sent me this precious angle to minister to me so that I am not alone. Thank you god for standing with me on a very hard day.
What a Privilege!!!
As I ponder a bit today, The song what a friend we have in Jesus is ringing in my mind.
- What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer! - Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer. - Are we weak and heavy-laden,
Cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge—
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,
Thou wilt find a solace there. - Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised
Thou wilt all our burdens bear;
May we ever, Lord, be bringing
All to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright, unclouded,
There will be no need for prayer—
Rapture, praise, and endless worship
Will be our sweet portion there. - When did life become so complicated? I love my family and wouldn't trade this life for anything but life can just be complicated. I am torn. I sit here working trying to get everything in the world done and in order to sneak four days to go check on my parents. Two of those days will be consumed with driving. Lots of hours to ponder and sing ( with no one around). Dash in be super women taking care of details of parental care. Pondering the idea that perhaps we should visit the funeral home and speak with my dad about what his wishes for mother is. It will be easier to do now then try and do them in the dead of winter if something were to happen. Need to dash over and check in on future arrangements for my dad just in case he continues to decline and we need to place him somewhere. Lesson in that never be in the dark as to what is offered in that area. So different from where I live and have access to lots of things. Check in with the hospice nurse to see how things are with mom. Get dad an appointment to look over his pharmacy insurance. Make sure I have all the contact info I need to be able to manage things that could go wrong from 500 miles away. Check on the banking issues. Wow all in one day. I better eat my Wheaties!!!! then one day to soak up that time with the parents in two places and make sure that I have assured them all is well just in case we should loose one. Can't even think of that right now. Then I must do my Incredible s dash back 500 mile to send my husband through the air some 900 miles away for the week, Run the business, be a single mom and handle the farm. Ok then I am crawling in bed and pretending to never get out again. Just kidding!!!! Thank you God for placing this song in my head today. If will get me those 500 miles.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Overwelmed
That one word describes my day.
Today should have been routine and yet everything went against me. You know that day. Things are suppose to be short sweet and hard to beat. Nope not today. Suppose to go to town to the courthouse for paperwork I dropped off yesterday. (Part of my job folks not story to tell) Nope forgot instead and got on the interstate to head to Amarillo instead oblivious to the fact I just screwed that schedule up. Arrive in Amarillo just in time to figure out the first error. Driving down the street I discover first said error of the day. Regroup, but before I can get that far my phone rings, can answer, I am in no hands on land, ringing ceases, now sending my brain into should I have pulled over or not, just as the phone rings again Yep should have pulled over. Find nearest parking lot call back, Tearful sister, father is disoriented on her way to get him. Explain to keep me posted by text as I am in the land of no hands.
Pull back on and am now late to my next stop, That stop takes longer than expected as the calming voice of reason in my life once again saves my sanity, and says its all ok just use your words. Isn't that what we tell our kids? and yet as an adult I still forget my best avenue is to use my words. Even when it is easier not to I must remember to use my words. She reminds me that using my words is calming in the craziness. Even if its the store clerk that needs my words good or bad just not hateful, use my words. I love this women and she always know just what I need to hear. Already even though It is hard I leave armed with the knowledge using my words is going to make it better.
Next stop, right off the bat I have to use my words. Still no resolve but I feel better just for asking for what I need.
Off to my final stop checking on my phone and texting about my dad and what is happening with him as I go.(But not while driving, shoot fire, I cant drive let alone text and vice versa)
Final stop, takes for ever to get all my paper work done, but I have succeeded. Just when I am ready to head to the office and hour later than planned the phone rings, Mom I am sick, I just threw up. Awesome!! no words to describe. Coach to text, Racquet to get fixed, child to check on.
Words are over rated.
Work to do, Nursing home to call, Sister to call, kids to check on, dinner, animals.
Calgone Take me away!!!!
Today should have been routine and yet everything went against me. You know that day. Things are suppose to be short sweet and hard to beat. Nope not today. Suppose to go to town to the courthouse for paperwork I dropped off yesterday. (Part of my job folks not story to tell) Nope forgot instead and got on the interstate to head to Amarillo instead oblivious to the fact I just screwed that schedule up. Arrive in Amarillo just in time to figure out the first error. Driving down the street I discover first said error of the day. Regroup, but before I can get that far my phone rings, can answer, I am in no hands on land, ringing ceases, now sending my brain into should I have pulled over or not, just as the phone rings again Yep should have pulled over. Find nearest parking lot call back, Tearful sister, father is disoriented on her way to get him. Explain to keep me posted by text as I am in the land of no hands.
Pull back on and am now late to my next stop, That stop takes longer than expected as the calming voice of reason in my life once again saves my sanity, and says its all ok just use your words. Isn't that what we tell our kids? and yet as an adult I still forget my best avenue is to use my words. Even when it is easier not to I must remember to use my words. She reminds me that using my words is calming in the craziness. Even if its the store clerk that needs my words good or bad just not hateful, use my words. I love this women and she always know just what I need to hear. Already even though It is hard I leave armed with the knowledge using my words is going to make it better.
Next stop, right off the bat I have to use my words. Still no resolve but I feel better just for asking for what I need.
Off to my final stop checking on my phone and texting about my dad and what is happening with him as I go.(But not while driving, shoot fire, I cant drive let alone text and vice versa)
Final stop, takes for ever to get all my paper work done, but I have succeeded. Just when I am ready to head to the office and hour later than planned the phone rings, Mom I am sick, I just threw up. Awesome!! no words to describe. Coach to text, Racquet to get fixed, child to check on.
Words are over rated.
Work to do, Nursing home to call, Sister to call, kids to check on, dinner, animals.
Calgone Take me away!!!!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Trust
Trust is something I struggle with all the time. I don't trust people well and I certainly don't trust salesmen. Seriously, You don't want me to come on your car lot. It is so bad that my poor husband wont even subject the salesman to me. He has them bring the car to him, He lets me drive it and then returns it to the salesman. If its a go he then handles it all with out me until its time to sign the papers. I just can't handle it. I don't trust people. I have never had a sales man treat me badly, I have never been burned so why don't I trust them?!?!?! Well that's an interesting one.
Trust is a learned behavior, I believe. I think parents and family teach it to their children and siblings and church family, community, etc. I think kids just learn by watching those around them. I try to teach trust to my bible class children when I am teaching. But how can I do that when I have such issues myself?
I have been burned with trust issues ever since I was a small child. Sometimes it just takes a life time to get past things. I learn more and more each day that a lot of how I view this world I was actually taught in child hood. Not just in words but by watching as well. And how can one learn to trust God if the world around them has not taught them what Trust is.
Trust according to the dictionary is: Belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
..reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing.... confident expectation of something: HOPE
The main things I see in that is 1. reliable, and honest 2. integrity
Reliable I am,, If I tell you I will do something it will happen or I will let you know way ahead of time if I am not. Honest oh ya!!!! I believe in honesty and it quite frustrates me when people dance around issues or talk behind my back instead of telling me what they think. Integrity yep you get what is the picture here. So if I can act those words why do I have such issues with trust? Simply, its what I have been taught by life over and over again. Family, Friends, Co Workers and Christians.
When I was a child I lived in my own little world a lot. I entertained myself loved and observed. I had a good mommy, She fed me, took care of me and made sure all my daily needs were met. I was terribly attached. I had a little cousin named Brent that my aunt would bring over occasionally to play with. He was a baby but I just loved him. One day he was just gone from my life, and I spent the rest of my life wondering and loving that little guy. People occasionally spoke of him but to this day we have never seen him again.
When I started to school at five years old my mommy was not the way I had known her. She was now in a world of her own. I was a school child and she had her friends and parents and a life of her own. Life was no longer about me but about what mother wanted. I really didn't understand it but I just traveled further into my own world to live day to day.
Then there were the all night middle of the night fights that started and continued to escalate to the middle of the day weekends and anytime that could be found to have them. Most ending with either her threatening to leave or my sister and I huddled together listening to see if she would leave or return. She never left but I never trusted she would stay either.
My grandfather along with numerous other family members exited early on when I was between 5 and 9 years old. Two uncles both with Self gun wounds, a cousin from a tanking accident and then my beloved grandfather from a car accident. My world was never the same. No one to explain that what I was experience was grief instead my only self to tell me this was something I should have been able to control.
Then there was the uncle that my mother spent hours with and she allowed him to belittle me and make fun of me and send me off to think of stupid like issues so she could spend more time with him. That was the stage I called her Save the Whale campaign, She abandoned me to save a lost soul that could never be regained. Instead my would was turned upside down and again I learned I could not even trust my mother.
I had some cousins that went on a mission trip and as they were raising funds to go, I will never forget my mothers question to them when they ask her for a donation. She ask them how they planed to come up with enough money to go and they replied God will provide. She responded was the fact that God gave us commonsense and commonsense says you better have a means to take care of yourself. God cant do everything and he doesn't provide you with money.
Over the years, That conversation would repeat its self over and over. You can't rely on God to provide. The whole essence of my life in a nut shell. Trust no one especially God. The other side of that conversation later.
So here I am today still trying to sort out life and put all those pieces back into one place. Feeling bad my whole life for thinking different or for trusting.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
Trust is a learned behavior, I believe. I think parents and family teach it to their children and siblings and church family, community, etc. I think kids just learn by watching those around them. I try to teach trust to my bible class children when I am teaching. But how can I do that when I have such issues myself?
I have been burned with trust issues ever since I was a small child. Sometimes it just takes a life time to get past things. I learn more and more each day that a lot of how I view this world I was actually taught in child hood. Not just in words but by watching as well. And how can one learn to trust God if the world around them has not taught them what Trust is.
Trust according to the dictionary is: Belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.
..reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing.... confident expectation of something: HOPE
The main things I see in that is 1. reliable, and honest 2. integrity
Reliable I am,, If I tell you I will do something it will happen or I will let you know way ahead of time if I am not. Honest oh ya!!!! I believe in honesty and it quite frustrates me when people dance around issues or talk behind my back instead of telling me what they think. Integrity yep you get what is the picture here. So if I can act those words why do I have such issues with trust? Simply, its what I have been taught by life over and over again. Family, Friends, Co Workers and Christians.
When I was a child I lived in my own little world a lot. I entertained myself loved and observed. I had a good mommy, She fed me, took care of me and made sure all my daily needs were met. I was terribly attached. I had a little cousin named Brent that my aunt would bring over occasionally to play with. He was a baby but I just loved him. One day he was just gone from my life, and I spent the rest of my life wondering and loving that little guy. People occasionally spoke of him but to this day we have never seen him again.
When I started to school at five years old my mommy was not the way I had known her. She was now in a world of her own. I was a school child and she had her friends and parents and a life of her own. Life was no longer about me but about what mother wanted. I really didn't understand it but I just traveled further into my own world to live day to day.
Then there were the all night middle of the night fights that started and continued to escalate to the middle of the day weekends and anytime that could be found to have them. Most ending with either her threatening to leave or my sister and I huddled together listening to see if she would leave or return. She never left but I never trusted she would stay either.
My grandfather along with numerous other family members exited early on when I was between 5 and 9 years old. Two uncles both with Self gun wounds, a cousin from a tanking accident and then my beloved grandfather from a car accident. My world was never the same. No one to explain that what I was experience was grief instead my only self to tell me this was something I should have been able to control.
Then there was the uncle that my mother spent hours with and she allowed him to belittle me and make fun of me and send me off to think of stupid like issues so she could spend more time with him. That was the stage I called her Save the Whale campaign, She abandoned me to save a lost soul that could never be regained. Instead my would was turned upside down and again I learned I could not even trust my mother.
I had some cousins that went on a mission trip and as they were raising funds to go, I will never forget my mothers question to them when they ask her for a donation. She ask them how they planed to come up with enough money to go and they replied God will provide. She responded was the fact that God gave us commonsense and commonsense says you better have a means to take care of yourself. God cant do everything and he doesn't provide you with money.
Over the years, That conversation would repeat its self over and over. You can't rely on God to provide. The whole essence of my life in a nut shell. Trust no one especially God. The other side of that conversation later.
So here I am today still trying to sort out life and put all those pieces back into one place. Feeling bad my whole life for thinking different or for trusting.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Sadness in my Heart
Today is Sadness in my heart. Sadness in my heart does not mean there is no happiness, It just means that the sad heart is winning today. I am tired, I am going way to many directions and there are so many thoughts going through my mind I am going to just stop and pour a bit out. I wish I was Dumbledore from Harry Potter and I had a pensive so I could dump out thought and then recollect them down the road. I personally find that would be of great help on days like today.
What creates a sad heart? The ill parents that demand many hours of just lining up what to do next? The grief that comes from knowing the end is near for at least one of them? The fear the the other one may not outlive the one dying? Or worse yet what will you do with the one if he does out live the first? Then what? Will you need to place him in care next? Does that mean you need a nursing home? How will you get his apartment cleaned out? At what point are we take the car away? Will he willingly go and do what we need or will he fight us? How is he going to react if mother goes first?
There are calls from the nursing home, dads care givers, mothers doctors, dad doctors, calls from the nursing home, calls from my sister, calls from hospice.
Then there is the mind games and the guilt trips from the family that is there. Well if you were here you would see this, or that. Well now you know what its like for us. Really, First off have you ever once thought what my life is like? I have a job, a business, three children and I live 500 miles away. I spend every waking minute trying to figure out how to make it easier for you because I know they are demanding and they depend on you for everything. You have a husband and a child at home and your own health issues. When I get there after a 500 mile drive I spend my entire time letting you off the hook so you can get some down time and I take over with all the care of them. I take all the above calls so you don't have too. Whether there or here. I know you have to take dad to the doctor. I know he is needy so I come to give you a break. I try to keep my emotions out of it just so that you can have that break. Then yes, I am the lucky one who gets to prance off to home with no cares in the world!!! SO NOT!!!! I get in the car and cry three fourths of the way home with a broken heart because it all SUCKS. there I said it!!! It Sucks. because my heart hurts for what I see happening to my parents, then I am angry because even in dying my mother cant be nice and forgiving and Even though my right brain knows IT IS WHAT IT IS, my heart still cries to have that approval and I spend days feeling like I failed as a child and what did I ever do so wrong. I was just a child that wanted a happy life with a loving family. I wanted a family that was happy for me no matter what. That gave unconditional love. But instead, I have spent years thinking I was bad for some reason only to figure out I wasn't me with the problem it was the rest of you. You know, you should be happy your little butt isn't doing this all alone. I could walk away and that would be the end of it. I know you know that and fear I will. But I won't because in my heart I know that the right thing to do is help and love. God has a plan through all of this he is teaching me. If I could only know what the goal is that he wants me to know today, my life would be easier.
And that is just a fourth of my day. Reading this typed out no wonder I am a disaster.
What creates a sad heart? The ill parents that demand many hours of just lining up what to do next? The grief that comes from knowing the end is near for at least one of them? The fear the the other one may not outlive the one dying? Or worse yet what will you do with the one if he does out live the first? Then what? Will you need to place him in care next? Does that mean you need a nursing home? How will you get his apartment cleaned out? At what point are we take the car away? Will he willingly go and do what we need or will he fight us? How is he going to react if mother goes first?
There are calls from the nursing home, dads care givers, mothers doctors, dad doctors, calls from the nursing home, calls from my sister, calls from hospice.
Then there is the mind games and the guilt trips from the family that is there. Well if you were here you would see this, or that. Well now you know what its like for us. Really, First off have you ever once thought what my life is like? I have a job, a business, three children and I live 500 miles away. I spend every waking minute trying to figure out how to make it easier for you because I know they are demanding and they depend on you for everything. You have a husband and a child at home and your own health issues. When I get there after a 500 mile drive I spend my entire time letting you off the hook so you can get some down time and I take over with all the care of them. I take all the above calls so you don't have too. Whether there or here. I know you have to take dad to the doctor. I know he is needy so I come to give you a break. I try to keep my emotions out of it just so that you can have that break. Then yes, I am the lucky one who gets to prance off to home with no cares in the world!!! SO NOT!!!! I get in the car and cry three fourths of the way home with a broken heart because it all SUCKS. there I said it!!! It Sucks. because my heart hurts for what I see happening to my parents, then I am angry because even in dying my mother cant be nice and forgiving and Even though my right brain knows IT IS WHAT IT IS, my heart still cries to have that approval and I spend days feeling like I failed as a child and what did I ever do so wrong. I was just a child that wanted a happy life with a loving family. I wanted a family that was happy for me no matter what. That gave unconditional love. But instead, I have spent years thinking I was bad for some reason only to figure out I wasn't me with the problem it was the rest of you. You know, you should be happy your little butt isn't doing this all alone. I could walk away and that would be the end of it. I know you know that and fear I will. But I won't because in my heart I know that the right thing to do is help and love. God has a plan through all of this he is teaching me. If I could only know what the goal is that he wants me to know today, my life would be easier.
And that is just a fourth of my day. Reading this typed out no wonder I am a disaster.
Isaiah 40:29
Give me the heart of a servant,
Tender and Faith and True,
Fill me with love then use me O Lord,
So that the world can see You.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Thoughts
Today, My heart is hurt. Why? There are so many reasons. I need you Lord more today than most. Today is a day I must walk one foot in front of the next. Take it one minute at a time and pray constantly all day that life will be better each minute. Why do I wake up like this? It literally sucks the breath right out of me. Overwhelmed by life, Hurt by worldly humans, Trying to find my way in the dark.
Today when the world has me overwhelmed, I miss my grandmother. She was far from perfect but she was my refuge. When life was hard and confusing, she was there. A drive away, a phone call, A hug, A word of reassurance, her humor, Her smell, Her total being. To the world she was just another person, nothing perfect, nothing outstanding, nothing of great worth. She wasn't on a mission to save the world, or create world peace she was just there to love. I am pretty sure she wasn't the worlds perfect mother, wife or daughter. She has a story none can tell. She was a survivor through and through. She has not story, of home baked breads or had made work, She had not talents for decorating and design. She wasn't a party planner or a event coordinator. She was just who she was. I think that even though her life was hard she somehow managed to figure out there was a higher being and reason to live.
Her mother died during the child birth of her. She was left with out a mother from day one along with six brothers and her father in Ireland, in 1908. She was taken in by a couple of maiden aunts until she was around two. She only spoke about that occasionally as she really had no memory of that time except that she remembers sitting on a huge bed and the aunt yelling at her. Her brothers were kept by Margaret, who would latter become her step mother. Her father came to the states and earned money to bring them all. When he finally had accomplished the task, he sent Margaret the money and she gathered the family to come. They were scheduled to come to American on the Titanic. Ironically, one brother came down with the chick pox the day before boarding and they were quarantined and not allowed to travel. The day the Titanic sank would have been her fourth birthday, on April 15, 1912.
I stand amazed that this small red haired child at the age of 4 has already survived, two near death experiences. Yet you lord have saved. Saved I believe for a much higher purpose that all we can understand. A common life, a common person. Saved for your purpose.
I can see clearly at this moment, I am blessed. With out you grandma, I would not be here. Without you I would not survive day today. I would not know what love should be.
Today when the world has me overwhelmed, I miss my grandmother. She was far from perfect but she was my refuge. When life was hard and confusing, she was there. A drive away, a phone call, A hug, A word of reassurance, her humor, Her smell, Her total being. To the world she was just another person, nothing perfect, nothing outstanding, nothing of great worth. She wasn't on a mission to save the world, or create world peace she was just there to love. I am pretty sure she wasn't the worlds perfect mother, wife or daughter. She has a story none can tell. She was a survivor through and through. She has not story, of home baked breads or had made work, She had not talents for decorating and design. She wasn't a party planner or a event coordinator. She was just who she was. I think that even though her life was hard she somehow managed to figure out there was a higher being and reason to live.
Her mother died during the child birth of her. She was left with out a mother from day one along with six brothers and her father in Ireland, in 1908. She was taken in by a couple of maiden aunts until she was around two. She only spoke about that occasionally as she really had no memory of that time except that she remembers sitting on a huge bed and the aunt yelling at her. Her brothers were kept by Margaret, who would latter become her step mother. Her father came to the states and earned money to bring them all. When he finally had accomplished the task, he sent Margaret the money and she gathered the family to come. They were scheduled to come to American on the Titanic. Ironically, one brother came down with the chick pox the day before boarding and they were quarantined and not allowed to travel. The day the Titanic sank would have been her fourth birthday, on April 15, 1912.
I stand amazed that this small red haired child at the age of 4 has already survived, two near death experiences. Yet you lord have saved. Saved I believe for a much higher purpose that all we can understand. A common life, a common person. Saved for your purpose.
I can see clearly at this moment, I am blessed. With out you grandma, I would not be here. Without you I would not survive day today. I would not know what love should be.
Isaiah 40:29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
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